Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
