You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
