oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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