He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
