I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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