i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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