I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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