youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
