why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
