there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Randomize
