I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
