Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Randomize
