Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the condom got lost in my hair
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
