These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
