Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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