So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
