I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
