I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
