Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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