dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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