I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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