Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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