I faked an abortion last night.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I need moral support for this bender
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
