Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
