I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
