You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
