somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
