i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
