Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
