I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
