So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he puts the penis in happiness.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
