have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
