They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
