I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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