Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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