The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
