he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
