She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
