onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
