I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
