did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
