he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
