I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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