this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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