I wish I only lived at night.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
