Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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