hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
