At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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