I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
