I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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