"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
