this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
