I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
