1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
