I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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