How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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