He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
