Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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