I just threw up on my dentist
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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